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September 23, 2014

{Turning Over a New Leaf…}

You see what I did there in my title? 

I have been dreading writing this post.  I am not sure if it's because my last blog was so raw and somewhat depressing or if that I am finally shy about being so open. But then again, when have I not been so open about my life these past 6 months? It's The Taylor Diary, that's for sure. 

It's Fall. And I could not be happier. 
For some reason, this time of year makes me feel so inspired. The colors, the smells and the sounds it brings makes me want to completely re-invent myself. 

I have gone back and re-read my last post countless times and finally came to the conclusion that it was time for some changes. I have always felt that if I am unhappy with how things are going,  I should try like heck to change them.  So, that's what I did.

I quit my job last week. Before there is any judgement, know that there was deep thought and consideration that went into this decision. Because my mother broke her hand and she was graciously watching Millie until we could come up with another option, we no longer had child care. After crunching the numbers, all of my paycheck (and then some) was going to go to either paying a nanny or day care costs. This just didn't make sense to us. Why would I pay someone else my entire paycheck to watch my child when I could do it myself? My current unemployment is only temporary until 
A) I can find something that I can do from home or 
B) I can find something that justifies me working out of the house, covers childcare and brings in additional income on top of that.

We started Millie on rice cereal. I realize some people don't agree with this, but my baby was hungry and by golly, I'm going to feed her if she's hungry. She gets one tablespoon of rice cereal every night before bed and she is FINALLY sleeping through the night after 5.5 months. She is so happy now! Her pediatrician suggested we start this over a month ago and I was so ignorant and adamant that she be exclusively breastfed, that I didn't listen. I am so happy with this decision because she is LOVING it.

My last day of breastfeeding will be October 8th. Millie will be 6 months old on this exact date. 
Why wait until October 8th? 
Well, she is already beginning to ween naturally. This will give my body and her body a good month to get used to this huge change. I did not want to quit cold turkey. It's very addictive you see…that breast feeding! In addition to the natural ween, it will give Millie a good month to get used to the taste of her new formula and bottles.

Speaking of formula. We have finally found one that her body agrees with. She is on a prescription formula for babies with severe milk protein allergies and other allergies in addition. This formula is completely broken down and already digested for her so all she has to do is drink it. 
And she likes the taste! 
(It is called PurAmino DHA & ARA for anyone that is curious and might be going through the same thing we are.)

So, let me share my menu for October 8th with you:

Breakfast: Biscuits and Gravy
Mid-morning snack: Yogurt
Lunch: Big, FAT double cheeseburger
Mid-Afternoon Snack: Ben and Jerry's
Dinner: Domino's cheese pizza with extra cheese and some ranch dressing for dipping
Bedtime snack: Chocolate chip cookies and a HUGE glass of 1% milk

That's right.
After being on this strict, Dairy free-no processed food diet for 4 months, I am going ALL OUT.

The Dog: He is going to a behavioral veterinarian/therapist and we will be working with him in the anxiety department. We will NOT be giving him away for those that suggested. He has been a part of my life for 8 years and I am not about to give him away just because we brought a baby home. We love him and he is a GOOD dog. He is just having an extremely hard time coping with a colicky infant. Heck, so were we! It's understandable.

This blog was just an update to my last diary entry. Now, onto Fall clothes, pretty makeup and home decor. 

"There's the kind of support you ask for and the kind of support you don't ask for. And then there's the kind that just shows up."
-Carrie Bradshaw

As always, thank you so much for the never-ending support. 
I love you all.

September 7, 2014

{When It Rains, It Pours}

This is not a "poor me" post. However, I do have to say, this has been one of the worst weeks since Millie came home from the hospital. 

We were doing really well and starting to get a groove down. I'm back to work 3 days a week while my mom watches Millie. Because Millie came so early, we were not prepared for any other child care options and we weren't about to send her to a day-care with her being so small and susceptible to illness. My mom graciously offered to watch her three days a week until I go back full-time. Back to this subject in a bit.

I have completely given up dairy. This includes anything that has milk on the label of the product. If I was to continue breastfeeding, this is the only way I could make her comfortable because of her dairy intolerance. However, this past week everything changed again. My supply hasn't been that great. I am not sure if it is due to the fact that I can't eat much and am not consuming enough calories, I am stressed, I am not getting enough sleep or that I am away from Millie during the day at work. I pump at work, it just isn't the same and my body isn't reacting the way it should to keep my supply up.  We have had to supplement and tried a special allergen-free formula, but she wouldn't eat it. So, the doctor gave us a soy formula to try. This apparently opened up another can of worms because it turns out she is allergic to soy as well. I spent the entire week trying to console an inconsolable baby who hadn't gone to the bathroom in 4 days.  She wouldn't smile, wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep and just screamed. On top of that, it was basically just me taking care of her because Tyler works all day and also worked Tuesday and Wednesday night. I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown. In fact, I am pretty sure I did. It got to the point where my cries were matching hers. 

In addition, Cooper, our anxiety ridden dog, cannot function in this type of environment. The screaming makes him so nervous that he begins to act out and bark uncontrollably. He also has extreme separation anxiety. I left the house to grab something to eat with Millie, came home, and he had jumped up on the counter and knocked everything off that he could find. There was glass everywhere and blood all over the floors because Cooper cut himself on the glass he knocked off.  At this point, Millie was screaming (of course) and I literally just wanted to close myself in a closet and never come out. If you have ever been in an overwhelming situation, you know this feeling I am talking about. You can't seem to get yourself out of this deep hole and everything seems so bad and not fixable. 

Thankfully, my parents knew that I simply could not deal with the dog anymore. They came to get him to give me a break and let me focus on my sick baby. 

But it gets worse. Friday, my mom was letting Cooper out in the front yard at their house on a leash and he saw another dog being walked across the street. He drug her off the porch, across the yard, into the drive way on her stomach. She now has a sprained ankle, a beat up knee (which was just replaced) and a broken hand. 

How can I live with this guilt? Because of my DUMB, uncontrollable dog, my mom now has a broken hand that might require surgery.

In addition, we now have no childcare. 

Oh, and I went to the doctor Saturday morning and I have bronchitis and a touch of pneumonia. 

Now, I know. It could be worse. But at what point does it end? At what point does life get easier? At what point does God say, "Okay, you've had enough. You have proved that you are faithful and have conquered every trial that has come your way, with dignity no less." 

At what point do you throw your hands in the air and give up breastfeeding? I have lost so much weight because of my diet restrictions. I am so overwhelmed with stress and have so little time to focus on myself. I have given it everything I have. I pumped every three hours for months after she was born. When she finally learned to latch, we watched her suffer not knowing of her allergies. I adjusted my diet to to witness her finally be able to eat in comfort, but now, I am noticing that I can't keep weight on.  I didn't think it was supposed to be this hard.  Is it really worth all this stress and worry?

I am sorry if this particular post has been negative. I really try to stay positive on here but I do know one thing. Writing has always helped me get things off my chest and it relieves stress. Maybe in turn, I will touch one person struggling with something similar and in reading this, they won't feel alone. Being a mom is so hard. Your mind and body are not your own anymore. I am so thankful yet so overwhelmed. 

They say it gets easier.  I am praying it gets easier. 

Hopefully, my next post will be more "cheery".

This too shall pass.