This is not a "poor me" post. However, I do have to say, this has been one of the worst weeks since Millie came home from the hospital.
We were doing really well and starting to get a groove down. I'm back to work 3 days a week while my mom watches Millie. Because Millie came so early, we were not prepared for any other child care options and we weren't about to send her to a day-care with her being so small and susceptible to illness. My mom graciously offered to watch her three days a week until I go back full-time. Back to this subject in a bit.
I have completely given up dairy. This includes anything that has milk on the label of the product. If I was to continue breastfeeding, this is the only way I could make her comfortable because of her dairy intolerance. However, this past week everything changed again. My supply hasn't been that great. I am not sure if it is due to the fact that I can't eat much and am not consuming enough calories, I am stressed, I am not getting enough sleep or that I am away from Millie during the day at work. I pump at work, it just isn't the same and my body isn't reacting the way it should to keep my supply up. We have had to supplement and tried a special allergen-free formula, but she wouldn't eat it. So, the doctor gave us a soy formula to try. This apparently opened up another can of worms because it turns out she is allergic to soy as well. I spent the entire week trying to console an inconsolable baby who hadn't gone to the bathroom in 4 days. She wouldn't smile, wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep and just screamed. On top of that, it was basically just me taking care of her because Tyler works all day and also worked Tuesday and Wednesday night. I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown. In fact, I am pretty sure I did. It got to the point where my cries were matching hers.
In addition, Cooper, our anxiety ridden dog, cannot function in this type of environment. The screaming makes him so nervous that he begins to act out and bark uncontrollably. He also has extreme separation anxiety. I left the house to grab something to eat with Millie, came home, and he had jumped up on the counter and knocked everything off that he could find. There was glass everywhere and blood all over the floors because Cooper cut himself on the glass he knocked off. At this point, Millie was screaming (of course) and I literally just wanted to close myself in a closet and never come out. If you have ever been in an overwhelming situation, you know this feeling I am talking about. You can't seem to get yourself out of this deep hole and everything seems so bad and not fixable.
Thankfully, my parents knew that I simply could not deal with the dog anymore. They came to get him to give me a break and let me focus on my sick baby.
But it gets worse. Friday, my mom was letting Cooper out in the front yard at their house on a leash and he saw another dog being walked across the street. He drug her off the porch, across the yard, into the drive way on her stomach. She now has a sprained ankle, a beat up knee (which was just replaced) and a broken hand.
How can I live with this guilt? Because of my DUMB, uncontrollable dog, my mom now has a broken hand that might require surgery.
In addition, we now have no childcare.
Oh, and I went to the doctor Saturday morning and I have bronchitis and a touch of pneumonia.
Now, I know. It could be worse. But at what point does it end? At what point does life get easier? At what point does God say, "Okay, you've had enough. You have proved that you are faithful and have conquered every trial that has come your way, with dignity no less."
At what point do you throw your hands in the air and give up breastfeeding? I have lost so much weight because of my diet restrictions. I am so overwhelmed with stress and have so little time to focus on myself. I have given it everything I have. I pumped every three hours for months after she was born. When she finally learned to latch, we watched her suffer not knowing of her allergies. I adjusted my diet to to witness her finally be able to eat in comfort, but now, I am noticing that I can't keep weight on. I didn't think it was supposed to be this hard. Is it really worth all this stress and worry?
I am sorry if this particular post has been negative. I really try to stay positive on here but I do know one thing. Writing has always helped me get things off my chest and it relieves stress. Maybe in turn, I will touch one person struggling with something similar and in reading this, they won't feel alone. Being a mom is so hard. Your mind and body are not your own anymore. I am so thankful yet so overwhelmed.
They say it gets easier. I am praying it gets easier.
Hopefully, my next post will be more "cheery".
This too shall pass.
This too shall pass.